Nevertheless, we had a nice albeit very short visit that year. We were both curious about each other and it seemed almost hopeful when promises were made afterwards to keep in touch. I think it was genuine at the time because we were caught up in a joyful sibling reunion. It wasn't long however when things slipped back to how it was before. Letters dried up and so did the effort from both sides.
Occasionally a friend would ask if I had heard from my brother. I would downplay the lack of information with face saving responses: "He's moved to Indonesia and it's hard getting in touch;" "He's so busy with work;" "Sure, I hear from him once in a while;" and finally the truth, "We're not close." Over the years thoughts would stream through randomly, wondering where he was and how he was doing.
Fast forward to this September when I found him on Facebook. It was a brainstorm. Why I didn't think of it sooner? A miracle that took less than 20 minutes of searching. He didn't have his privacy settings on, so I was able to verify that this was indeed my brother. This discovery was both thrilling and yet disconcerting. Thrilling because it was him, disconcerting because it was him. I kept going to Guan's page to sneak peeks at his pictures, unsure if I would have recognized him if we passed on the street. All I saw was a nicely dressed, middle aged man with glasses, hair still more black than gray, unassuming.
He never responded. Though it wasn't entirely shocking, it was still a letdown. I had this gut feeling that I might not hear from him but my curiosity got the better of me so I tried. In my mind's eye, he was still that little boy who wore his sandals on the wrong feet, the gullible one I always beat when playing cards, the baby brother who cried easily and got me in trouble for picking on him. My memory of him was tender, fragile and someone whom I regretted never being close to.
In looking back, I realize this was wishful thinking, and maybe that's why it felt disconcerting. I was attempting to reconnect with someone whom I've never been close to for most of my life. Ever since I discovered him on Facebook, my emotions ran the gamut from surprise to curiosity, then uncertainty, followed by the sting of disappointment and finally acceptance. I'm trying to convince myself that this doesn't really matter and that I no longer care. Perhaps I had fooled myself in thinking that he would be that same vulnerable little boy but in reality he had also changed like me. We may have shared the same parentage but there was no glue to keep it together. And for someone who worked hard over the years to maintain this tough shell, I felt foolish and hurt for extending a hand that wasn't accepted. It was a bitter lesson learned that sometimes we can't successfully reconcile our past with our present.
It's ironic and hardly unsurprising that no two people or families will react the same way upon being discovered. About 3 weeks after I had sent my message to Guan, our local newspaper published an article about this man who used Facebook successfully to find and reunite with his mother and siblings after a forty year separation. There was a happy reunion with joyous plans for their future. Though I was glad to read their nice story, part of me couldn't help feeling some regret for my own sense of loss, and failure to reconnect.
Today I'm blessed to have a close group of friends and loved ones, who listen, encourage, console and are supportive and accepting. They know who I am. I am closer to them than I ever will be with my own flesh and blood and I treasure them deeply. Family, after all is where my heart is and they are my chosen family.
Annie and Guan - Penang, Malaysia
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