I had seen her a few weekends ago at my friend Valerie's house, nosing her way around under tables, weaving between chair legs, ever vigilant for any dropped food crumbs.
Poor eyesight, half deaf, more white patches on her muzzle, but still sweet and endearing as ever. She had suffered a small stroke several years ago that had paralyzed one side of her body. Though Bebe eventually recovered, it left her with an odd gait that was a half shuffle, half walk. It didn't change her personality much though since pugs are an odd yet comical breed anyway.
I thought about the past and how things didn't seem like such a big deal before.
The things we worried about then......making money, getting a child through school, knowing their friends or being a good neighbor hold different meaning now.
We didn't have much those days. It didn't mean that we envied anyone less though. We admired their impressive homes, their nice cars or their lavish lifestyles. How naive we were, how impressionable! Later when we learned of someone's drinking problem, troubled marriage, or dysfunctional family difficulties, I would be both amazed and shocked that I didn't see it coming. Quite possibly the clues were there all along but I wasn't paying attention.
I worried about being a good parent. As an under-parented child, I didn't have role models to emulate, no guidance, no support. I went by instinct and my own personal interpretation of how a good parent should be. To me, that was taking care of a family and always being there for them. I didn't want to let anyone down. But I made my share of mistakes whether as a mother, a friend, or a spouse. And sometimes when mistakes go unaddressed and grievances pile on, the ties that bind start to fray and eventually disintegrate. After the divorce, I gave Bebe back to Valerie. She had always kept a houseful of pets, and Bebe had been a gift when we moved into our first home. I reasoned to myself that this was the right thing to do. I didn't want to take the time to care for a dog.
Once in a while, however, an image or memory will trigger these wistful feelings and regretful thoughts. Like this recent one brought on by seeing my old pet. I realized that it was my own short sighted selfishness when I didn't want to take care of her. I didn't want the attachment and reminders of a broken relationship, of losses that could never be regained. I thought that if I didn't have anyone or anything depending on me, I'd be okay. I would be safe from any hurt or worries. As it turned out, I couldn't be more wrong in denying myself these connections. Being caring and nurturing was who I am. I liked feeling useful and being needed, it eased my own insecurities of being accepted, and not rejected.
I am fortunate to have new loved ones in my life today. My life is filled again with caring for others and being connected. Though there are new situations and dilemmas, there are oftentimes just as many new joys and adventures. Keeping people at arm's length to avoid being hurt was not a useful strategy in the end.
Bebe in Angel outfit - August 29, 2012
